I don’t care no more what OTHERS feel is appropriate for me todo or not todo with healing!!
Nov 13, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prT5oTXLHlE

this is my story and welcome to it
[Music]
welcome to Monday you guys a new start
fresh week those are always the best
because you have control to make the
week what you want it to be you can
either have it be a great leap or you
can have a frumpy week I am choosing to
have a good week because I don't have
time for frumpy week I am on my way to
go to counseling and then after that I'm
100% sure what the day entitles like I
was saying yesterday Jeremiah does not
have see today so surely we don't have
to have be on like a certain time limit
which is kind of nice but
with that they don't know what I'm sure
find something to do um anyways but I
woke up this morning feeling really
really good and I am totally ready for
this challenge that I've put myself upon
upon myself which is that I'm going to
be under 400 by January 1st so with that
there is a lot of gotta grind it so I
think today I'm gonna start doing my
exercising again which will be nice to
get back into the groove of things it's
been a while I'll probably take it kind
of slow cuz they don't want to overdo
myself I mean the walking has been great
because I've been walking ever since I
mean I haven't stopped that but I would
definitely like to start doing my
in-home exercising
and then be self-conscious of or more
aware anyways be more aware and
courteous to what I am choosing to eat
[Music]
that way I can really monitor my
coloring and put I've set myself with
sixteen counter calories which is
totally doable that's not too less I
will still allow myself my coffee just
because those to me that that works for
me
I've still lost weight drinking my
coffee but you know it's the other
things that I've been slacking just a
little bit on which is feeding into my
sweet tooth when I want it you know the
holidays mmm
those can be tricky because you know
there's so much candy like Halloween you
know I mean it's all about candy candy
candy candy candy and of course my kids
have the or sweet tooth ever gets them
father so of course we have every type
of sweet you could imagine in my house
which is great wonderful but not when
you have a mama that likes to dip into
it so I'm just going to be trying to be
more cautious about
we'll meet him into that temptation
because I definitely okay we're gonna
have to wine is out into the streets
anyways so I just need to be more
cautious about like what I'm choosing to
eat because I have definitely been with
the choices that I've been eating and
I'm not okay with that
like I clearly need to be more cautious
so I'm going to be doing
art today this weekend I really stay at
home most of this weekend and it was
really nice I you know I got a lot of my
craft Tuesday's videoed and just it was
it was nice I really I'm glad that I got
to take some downtime I needed it and I
think that it was much deserved so it
was nice but I hope you guys all had a
good time on this weekend
I heard that how quite a few of you guys
got snow my husband is quite jealous not
me I'm not a Snowbird I don't like it no
love snow he could live in snow Tommy
not me so he was jealous when I told him
he was like nothing you can go stay with
one of them no host you could play in
the snow
it's my everything today go ahead I am
gonna do a large iced sugar-free white
chocolate and my later guys sugar-free
white chocolate yep
and is the one yeah
I'm sorry no your ring would have just
broken my thank you
are you so you're married right oh yeah
have you been married 10 years oh yes
thank you
hey you two
guess it's never too late to get get
asked if I'm married anyways as I was
saying I know I can't believe it this
month me and always anniversary I love
him I should probably just have to deal
with him he has been amazing to me he
has definitely been the man that I
always dreamed of you know as a little
girl you always dream of like your
knight in shiny armor you're you know
you're everything and honestly because I
never thought that I would ever be
worthy enough to get married to somebody
but being able to be married to him has
just been
everything to me and he is so especially
he is irreplaceable
anyways okay I'm going to try and get my
vlog posted from yesterday and then I
will check in with you guys after
counseling okay you guys I just got out
of my counseling now I'm on my way home
to check my pills and my husband that
was a very good session we talked about
some really good things so we're still
working on obviously what I'm there for
which is healing past trauma and so we
are still you know walking through those
not so good fills but it is all okay I
am
getting better strongly you know knowing
what my goals are and where I want to be
and what I want to be through all of
this which is a survivor and that's what
I am and not allowing my past to you
know make who I'm gonna be in the future
you know and so anyways it was a really
really good session and now I am going
to be heading back to the house I'm
gonna head back to the house I don't
know for sure exactly like I said
earlier what we have planned if we have
anything planned I don't know I mean I
would like to you know get out do
something a little bit just because me
and the kids have been home like all
weekend long but we'll see yeah I have I
have a couple of
crafts I think I'm gonna do like one
video with a couple different crafts in
it or it might post up a few within the
same day or something I don't know how
to do this because I've made quite a few
grabs the last couple of days
and some of them are holiday ones that I
want to get up so I'm thinking that I
might I need to make a dentist
appointment for Jeremiah only because he
lost a tooth of here but he has a spacer
in his mouth and that's all connected
and so they told me once he starts
losing his teeth that I needed to make
an appointment so they can go in and
take that spacer out so I'm actually I
need to call them and have that done so
not today all my prescriptions because I
calmed it all my refills so everything's
being refilled for me
oh I end up having and take my nails off
you guys I totally had to take my nails
off ever I just said them yesterday
because I like when I put them on
yesterday I filed my nails down you know
because I don't like my nails like
extremely long like it's just annoying
because they get in my way and so I
filed him down well me and all they were
talking last night I just happened to
like kind of look at a couple of my
novels and they were like split down the
middle I'm like what in the world so I
just took him off which was so annoying
because I had clearly just did them but
sorry that's my that's my look so I took
them off and now I just am NOT I don't
have anything on I think I'm just going
my nose rest for a little bit just
because I've been doing my nose a lot
lately I just great I mean it's fine but
I think I need to just let me know rest
on a breeze anyways alright I will check
in with you guys I just want to let you
guys know that I am out counseling and I
am a quick chicken we are gonna run to
Dallas really quick I guess we have a
car to pick up so we're gonna run down
there and do that really quick and then
I don't know what else we're going to do
but but I do need to go buy a store of
some sort
actually I probably want to go to maybe
Walmart I need to get some more tea the
zero calorie tea because I need to
really pump myself with fight zero
calories stuff this week so I'm thinking
like the zero calorie tea and plus I
have my flavored waters when my kids let
me have them because half the time they
stone for me but yeah anyways I just
wanted to check you guys so there's this
car that's really known around Salem and
it's a hearse hold on I'm pulling up to
it it's a hearse with a hot dog on it
look at that isn't that great absolutely
awesome we see this around Salem all the
time and it's the hot dog cart and they
actually what it is is he has a barbecue
in the back of his hearse that he
actually had makes a barbecue with it
out of the hearse I just don't know if I
would eat a hot dog out of our hearse
but that's I wanted to show you guys
that looks really delicious recipes
delicious hey I just want to show you
guys what it was because I thought that
was interesting
the first time I seen it I was dying I
was like you've got to be kidding me
[Music]
my house
[Music]
oh yeah I think I'm right so many lights
you can't see the stars while I ride
shotgun in your loss baby light
[Music]
we're not gonna live forever
oh we acting like we are we can sleep
when it's the time' by think about - nah
so many lights we can't see the stars
whoa baby
[Music]
up into the dock
[Music]
[Music]
I am sitting here a nice warm it was
freezing as so I told Maya I was like
Maya go turn the heater on I'm freezing
and so my vent is right down by the
lower part of my foot so I have my foot
like over the vent it's heaven anyways
well I hope you guys had a wonderful day
I'm sorry I don't have my phone on my
tripod because I can't find it I don't
know what I did with it and clearly my
kids are wanting to come in and I'm not
letting them in clearly no not gonna do
it not tonight I am NOT sitting in the
dark as I did last night
[Laughter]
anyways today was a really good day I
had counseling this morning which went
really well we discussed the letter that
I wrote to my mom and I actually I put
that in the mail today but I know it
won't go out until tomorrow I got their
father involved me my kids or something
else anyways um so I went ahead and I
what we talked about my letter that I
sent that I was going to be sending to
my mom and I went over with her her page
her letter was seven pages and honestly
it couldn't have been a better letter
and so I'm really I'm pleased with the
way things went and how I was able to
basically the letter was almost like a
timeline of things and events that
happen in my life that she is not aware
of
because she wasn't around so she has no
idea what I went through or what I see
nor oh I mean she doesn't know anything
so for me I felt like it was really
important to share those things and let
her know that these are things that took
place in my life while I was a child
growing up and so I told her I had to
call and get her address today of course
I don't have her address you know one of
those things so she's like why are you
gives me a package I'm like considered a
package but you are gonna be getting an
envelope and which she knows that she's
gonna be receiving a letter like I told
her already she's bugging me that I
can't find my phone not having it
anyways so you know she already is like
anticipating only knowing that she's
gonna get this letter um and it's
nothing bad like clearly it isn't
there's nothing bad about it it is
simply just me being honest and telling
her how I am and you know things like
that and so I guess she was talking to
her mom and telling her mom which is
yeah you guys already know um what she
falls in line with me so my mom's mom
she was talking to her and she was you
know I guess her mom's mom was told her
that I've been doing really good that
you know I'm losing weight and I'm
really working on myself and you know
making a better life for myself and for
my children and for my life and for my
husband and everything and you know she
told her that you know I'm at a point in
my therapy that where I am writing
letters to people that really affected
me growing up whether it be good bad you
know but that I have to I have to work
on closure and healing and so she and
I'm not crying you guys I'm Jana
but I am trying to edit out my own een
so that I'm not like wha well I mean of
course I have nothing to wipe my eyes
with so I'll just use my clean pants I
just got the dryer anyways um and so she
you know proceeded to tell her mom that
you know I'm writing letters and you
know making closure when her mom says oh
my god like isn't it you know been long
enough that she should basically get
over it and that you know I need to just
move on and let these things be in the
past and you know not to write my
grandma my dad's mom and you know she's
old so I should leave her alone and uh
as my mom said nor telling me this I am
just like clearly just listening to her
and you know my mom had my back and she
explained to her mom you know well this
is part of Amy this is what she has to
do for herself and all of that
and so I mean I appreciate my mom having
my back in that area and explaining to
her like you know why I'm going through
this or whatever and her mom got kind of
upset with my mom because you know she
was saying well you know you sound like
you're really like being snappy with me
and my mom's like well I'm not being
snappy but I'm just you know why is it
okay that these people got away with you
know what they did with Amy when Amy was
only seven years old you know and she
didn't have a choice in this manner and
so at least Amy Oh gets to you know
finally say her feelings and and talk
about what she you know what she went
through and what affected her and how it
affected her and what she's doing to
proceed with the healing process and
stuff like that and so anyway so my mom
just proceeded to continue to tell me
that you know basically her mom thinks
that it
kind of like well I'll use the word
stupid for me to continue to do this
like I need to just let it lay and you
know I just was like you know I got off
the phone I got off the phone with my
mom pretty much quickly really quick
after that not because I was mad or
anything like that but because s where
was in the back seat screaming I
couldn't hear my mom and so it was like
I wanted to be able to hear the
conversation rather than trying to make
out what she was trying to say and so I
was like hey I'll call you later like I
I cannot talk right now because s was
not allowing that to be what's gonna
happen so I was like driving and talking
to oli this afternoon and I was telling
him I was like you know I don't care I
don't give two craps what anybody thinks
about the way that I'm processing things
I don't care if people think that what
I'm doing is wrong
I don't care if people think that I need
to grow up and move on I don't care if
people think that I'm bad for contacting
my 90 you know my 93 year old grandma
and her 92 93 92 I think I don't know
how old she is I think she's my need you
going to be 93 I think anyways but that
I'm wrong for reaching that you know
what happened in the past hurt me I
really don't care anymore
like it I've lived my whole life worried
about what everybody else thought I
always stepped back because I was afraid
to hurt somebody's feelings I always
step back to hear everybody else's
opinion of what I was doing and if I
thought it was gonna be okay or if what
I was doing was the right thing or if it
made sense or and basically I solely
looked for everybody to validate
everything I was doing and making sure
that I was doing it right rather than
just doing what I felt was correct or
what I validated was right but I never
trusted my own instinct I never trusted
my own feelings I always had to trust
everybody else's because Amy wasn't able
a me wasn't capable of making the right
Asian Amy wasn't capable of you know
processing things correctly that's what
I was always told so I've always lived
that way I've always lived for what
everybody else thought or felt her and
you know what they said rather than what
I wanted so now I sit there and when she
tells me that I'm thinking first of all
I don't care if she thinks it's a good
idea or a bad idea I didn't ask for
anybody's opinion second of all I will
process this all the way I want to
process it and if I want to go through
my entire life and write a letter to
absolutely everybody down to the bumble
bee that stung me on the foot when I was
three years old just throwing a number
out there and throwing out that I got
stung by a bee a three but you know what
I'm saying like if I want to write a
letter to everybody and that's gonna
help me to heal and grow and move on so
that I can continue to live a very
healthy fresh rest of my life then gosh
darn it I'm gonna do it and I'm not
gonna ask for anybody's opinion because
I don't care at the end of the day I am
the one that's gonna validate what I
think is right or what's gonna be wrong
and I don't see anything that I am doing
is wrong I don't think that what I am
doing is irrelevant to any I mean I just
I'm at a stage of my life where I don't
care anymore I don't care if it's gonna
hurt somebody's feelings I'm gonna tell
the truth and I'm gonna be honest with
you the way that I feel and if you don't
like it I am sorry I'm doing it the
kindness that I can but you're gonna
hear my opinion you're going to hear my
feelings and you're going to hear my
voice if you don't want to hear it you
don't have to read the letter or you
don't have to listen to me but I'm going
to be there and I'm going to have my own
feelings because I'm going to continue
to write my own story with the pin I'm
not gonna allow others to write the
story for me anymore I'm not gonna do it
I have allowed that for too long and I
am not about to allow somebody to
continue to write my story because I'm
not capable of writing my own store
and making the things that I need to do
in life for me but rather than living my
life for everybody else because that's
how I've always been I have always put
everybody before myself their feelings
their obligations their choices their
words their everything in front of mine
you know I've sacrificed time with you
know my older son you know Jeremiah I
sacrificed time as his mom to be there
and take care of other people and their
children and take care of their
businesses and be a part of you know
their family is in I always put my own
little family on the back burner my
child I put on the back burner so that I
could be a participant of other people's
lives why where did that get me today
where is it gotten me absolutely nowhere
those people that I was there for at one
time they're not there no more they're
absent they MMA say hi to me once in a
while but I'm not a part of their life
anymore
so that season of life that we were in
at one time we're out of it but guess
what who paid the consequences for it my
son because my son had to be babysat by
other people and it just you know I I
guess you know and this could rub a
couple people wrong that might be
watching this video that you know that
I'm speaking about but you know what I
have to finally be honest and I have to
say that you know what this is my life
and I am NOT going to sacrifice any more
time with my family with my children
with my husband with myself I'm not
gonna sacrifice that anymore because
where is it gonna get me in the end yeah
do you want me to eat in here so I can
eat in video
yeah I the key is I bar the bird cage
so it's just a matter of you know having
to finally know that me sacrificing my
denter was brought to me it's a taco
salad freshly made by my husband but
anyways you know it just I'm just to the
point in my life where you know I just
can't worry anymore about everybody else
I have to I have to worry about me and I
have to worry about my happiness and
where is it going to get me in life
because for so long I have just put so
much of my time and energy into so many
other people that it never got me
anywhere and so where is it gonna get me
today if I continue to go down that road
and I don't want that road I want to
live a happy life with my family and
know that I'm being you know a
participant of my family versus before I
wasn't I totally just you know I let my
family go and I focused on everybody
else's problems and in the end I never
ever ever have focused on my own
problems that I've had and there's a
scene that is that I've heard said quite
a few times that you know don't worry so
much about the yard in front of you when
you have to water your own yard in the
backyard and that's that's so true as in
my camera's doing is being really weird
anyways that you know
I've worried for so long to make my my
front porch my front yard my front part
of my life look like I have everything
together but in the backyard it's
overgrown there's weeds there's it's
dark it's there's no life to it because
I've rejected it I have neglected it I
haven't I haven't dealt with it and now
it's like no I want to spend time in my
back yard and I really want to make that
backyard look healthy and fresh and
ready for visitors you know to come into
my life and those visitors are gonna
make my new friends the new people that
come into my life that bring positivity
and you know and are wanting to be a
part of my life in the best ways because
I don't want the negativity that's not
gonna get me anywhere never so anyways I
mean I did I did tell her that you know
I really don't care what her mom thinks
I don't really care what anybody thinks
in the sense of if somebody really
thinks that I'm that wrong for going to
counseling and healing and trying to
make a better life for myself and a
better future for my family then that's
on them like I really could care less
anymore because if I really cared I
would never ever ever be a better person
and sadly some of those people don't
want me to be a better person they want
to see me hanging on to the Past
they want to see me hurting they want to
see that they don't want to see me good
and happy they're not good and happy
they're miserable in their lives so why
would they want me to be there any
better than them of course not they need
me to be under their feet so that I can
continue to have that life that I've had
all along and it's not gonna happen
anymore and so yeah I was just like
whatever
and she told me I mean again and I don't
talk to these people for a reason and
that's just that I do not talk to any of
these people I will not talk to these
people I have nothing to say to these
people they have been out of my life for
nine years no yeah it will be nine years
in April that I have spoken to my mom's
mom my mom's sister and it's gonna stay
that way I haven't missed one day not
talking to them and I'm gonna continue
to not miss a day because I again have
grown so much and I'm only gonna
continue to grow I have picked up my
bags I've emptied them my luggage is not
heavy and I'm little by little
continuing to let go of things out of my
luggage so that I can continue to travel
and make room for new things but those
new things that I pick up now
are going to be a positive thing for my
life rather than bringing me down and
making it heavy and making it to where I
can't travel to the next chapter because
that's what I want clearly that's what I
want
and then funding Lee we're talking about
travel so I was on YouTube today I was
bored
and nothing else better to do so why am
I so bright let's see
anyways I was on YouTube watching
YouTube videos and something popped up
about Time Traveller's I've never heard
of that same before I don't know why
I've never heard of it but I haven't so
I was watching some interesting videos
on Time Traveller's know it could
probably be a theory I don't know I mean
you know I mean some people believe in
things like that some people believe in
UFOs some people don't some people
believe in life on Mars some people
don't
everybody has their reasons to believe
or not to believe and I don't judge any
of it like I really don't and I would
that you know if I you know if I talk
about this type of stuff that it doesn't
like offend anybody or anything like
that but I always find these things so
interesting to me I don't know why but I
love hearing stories like this or like
UFOs I remember a family member telling
me one time and she's not somebody that
I would think would lie about something
like this then again key word I said
family member um but she was talking
about how she was in bed one night and a
UFO came to the but like we lived on a
farm and the UFO came out in the back
like in somebody else's land and she's
seen it from her bedroom window now
whether that's true or not I don't know
like I said I don't know but I don't
know why she would lie about it but I
wasn't there I didn't see it but I love
stories about that type of stuff so I
was like listening to one of the stories
about like this lady on the Charlie
Chaplin I think that's how Chapman
Chopin Charlie Chaplin right yeah how it
was one of his movies that they were
making and she is in that movie walking
across the the scene she wasn't supposed
to be in the movie like she was just she
appeared in the movie and she was
holding a cell phone walking and they
were like how could somebody back in
those years there was no cell phones
cell phones didn't even come around
until 50 years after Charlie Chapman all
that stuff so they were like clearly
cell phones are not a thing back then so
how did she have a cell phone unless she
was a time traveler and came from these
times are from cellphone times - back to
Charlie Chapman times but anyways I just
thought it was kind of interesting and
then there was another one where there
was a guy that traveled so I don't know
what year he traveled from but he
travels 70 years ahead to see himself
and
seen himself 70 years later and he was
videotaping himself with himself
basically and they had like the same
matching tattoos and stuff again it
could be an arm tattoo a sticker I mean
you know clearly it could all be
make-believe I don't watch these and be
like oh yeah it's a hundred percent but
I just enjoy watching the videos just to
see what people say but anyway so that's
what I was doing or just a little bit
ago was watching timetraveler videos but
if any of you guys have any interesting
type of videos like that or stories to
tell hey cherem I would love to read
those type of things I am all about that
type of stuff like I just find it
interesting I don't know why it was just
something I am interested with so that's
what I was doing was watching that and
I'm gonna probably go back to watching
it again because I'm hooked on him um
but anyways well you guys I'm gonna
close my vlog because I'm gonna finish
eating my dinner and then I need to go
into a shower um but I just wanted to
[Music]
let you guys all know that today was a
good day a good day tomorrow I don't
know what's in store tomorrow tomorrow's
Tuesday whoa crafts corner Tuesday will
be tomorrow so you guys will get I think
I'm gonna put a couple videos together I
don't know just yet I will see how this
all works out but yeah anyways but
either way I'll check in with you guys
no matter what you guys will see my
beautiful face I did go today and I did
do some body shots so I will link those
in here at the end of the video um and
then I will check in with you guys
tomorrow I hope you guys enjoyed my vote
today I hope it was better than
yesterday anyways until then you guys I
will see you guys tomorrow bright and
shiny in the morning so he dreams bye
bye
[Music]
